I only work here

Bank: (robot) Hello, thankyou for calling ******** Bank...pls click blah blah
Me: beep beep beep beep beep
Bank: (robot)Your account cannot support telebanking, pls hold while we transfer you to an operator.
Me: <----listening to piped music and thrilled that I was getting connected to a real person for a change. Bank: (nearly humanoid) helllllo madaaaaam. how may i help you? Me: I would like to order a cheque book pls. (keeping it easy peasy) Bank: Aaahhh but you have a joint account. you need to visit your branch Me: Joint with whom exactly? This is MY account. Bank: I cannot see the information since it is a joint account. Me: can I have the number of Jumeirah Branch? Bank: No. we cannot hand out that kind of information. Me: But they know everything about me, barr my toiletry habits. Bank: I can forward a message to them to call you. Me: thanks that will be great. I look forward to it. goodbye Bank: CLICK ONE WEEK LATER: Repeat of the above except click came much earlier on. ONE MORE WEEK LATER: Bank: hello....blah blah blah Me: hello ... may I have the number of Jum. Br pls? Bank: No, this is the complaints section. pls call again and press4 Me: No, I want to complain, and I want the number for the branch, and I want the managers mobile number and finally pleeeeeeeeeeeez may I have a CHEQUE BOOK. (thought she might take the easiest option there)..... Bank: I REPEAT this is the complaints section, you need to call again. Me: Since this call is being recorded then let me remind you that I AM ffffff COMPLAINING. DO YOU HEAR ME???? Bank: Please call again. thank you for calling ******** Bank. C L I C K ONE MORE WEEK LATER: After driving around the bank for 3 weeks I finally found a parking spot (that was because the bank was closed). Its a nasty corner there on AL Wasl Rd. I opened my window to savour the smell of the prison cooking and think about how I would handle this situation....I knew they would be so competent once I get inside. Bank doors open: Receptionist (very young local girl): Good morning Me: GM... Pls may I apply for a cheque book. Rec: ok....(proceeds to flick through the box of books awaiting pick up.) Me: Gosh that was fast, but I need to apply for one first. Rec: HUhhhhhhhhhhh...you didnt apply YET? Me: and while you are at it, may I pls have your branch number because I have been leaving messages with your call centre for a long time and nobody has returned the calls? Rec: passes me a post it with the call centre number on it.
Me: ears are firing.
Me: Take your post it back....you are not capable of this position and I require somebody to ASSIST me, not infuriate me.
Rec: walks away and sits down to view me from afar.
New Rec (male): gm...takes my requisition for cheque book, does the necessary on the computer, then proceeds to hand me a new post it with his personal mobile number on it.

I know he was not being 'funny' with me by giving me his number. He knew i was in despair, and the bank were unable to sort out the simple problem. I never did meet the manager, but one day I shall, and that will be the day that he NEEDS something from me. I will show him how to be courteous, helpful and co-operative. I will teach him how to re-assure and calm his client. In the meantime I am looking for a new bank.