Bird Flu

They are known as Toxic Friends, Poisonous Pals or simply nasty people that have no concept of friendship.

I knew a woman who constantly dragged me down. She made me feel like she was my best friend, always calling (every hour), always asking (couldnt stand not knowing what I was doing or with whom), but mostly hounding me. When I was down she would always be there for me. When I was up, she could make me feel down. The funny thing was that I never realised it until one day about 5 years ago I decided to quit smoking. I would be doing great, feeling totally relaxed and counting the hours I hadn't thought about my arsenic sticks, and then the phone would ring........"hello...WHAT are you doing?" Not even a how are you in sight... Oh crapiola...hang on while I get my fags. That must have delighted her no end. One day my housemaid hinted that I had no chance in hell of quitting if I kept on talking to her on the phone. OMG..it was as plain and simple as that. I stopped taking her calls and the maid started speaking pigeon English...."Madam gone out. No. I don't know where gone. Yes, I write message. No, I forgot to give her message one hour ago. Sorry, baby crying. Bye" This went on for a few weeks and finally the calls stopped about the time that I celebrated my one month freedom from drugs. Yeeeeeeeeeha it felt good, but even better was the fact that I had managed to sever ties with a worse vice.

6 Months later we got talking again. She asked me where I had disappeared to, and I just mumbled on about being busy with work, building the new house, suffering from mild depression...blah blah blah. I was determined not to get sucked in again like before.

Slowly but surely she started...always questioning me and generally making me feel like I had to tread so carefully around her. I think the worst thing was the way she used me. Drive her here, drive her there, and drive myself round the bloody bend.

One day I asked her if she would like to go for a coffee in the morning. She said that would be nice. What I didn't realise was that by inviting her I was offering my services to her for her abusal (is that a word?) for the morning. I said I would pick her up on the way to school, then after dropping the kids off we can check out a place that would meet with her approval (as was always the case). She said it would be rather early and I should drop the kids off then come back for her. I said OK.

I put the phone down and the hammer fell on my head. I needed a fag after 3 years off the fkcres. SHE expected ME to do a one hour round trip just to come back out of town to pick her up cos she didnt want to come earlier than necessary...I called back and said that I was sorry but something more important had cropped up and I couldnt make it, then excused myself as my other line was ringing (she said...I don't hear it, are you sure???) One click. and she was gone. forever.

I drove past her house the other day (it is on my route), and she was out by her gate. She squinted in the sun and stared at me. How in the hell did she know it was me? I have a new car, blacked out windows and an 11 foot wall around my fortress. Her eyes followed me until she became a dot in my rear view.

Watch out for the following signs in a 'friend' then dump the bitch...preferably off the Garhoud Bridge:

1) They 'forget' important events in your life.
2) They expect to be chauffered around.
3) They bitch about everybody to you (so who do they bitch about you to??).
4) You find yourself needing a cigarette,drink, coffee or worse when they call you up.
5) They are never proud of your achievements and attempt to thwart any chances of you reaching your goals.
6) You feel worse after spending time with them.